“It’s Just Me” –Life after a Toledo Pitt Stop

It was the summer of 2007 and I shouted “Lord, you told me I’d always be there!” The Lord quickly answered back, “No, that’s what YOU always said.” I thought about that for a moment and He was right. The light had come on in my world and I began to see that I had been living in a matrix, a bubble, if you will. A world filled with hopes and dreams that would never be realized the way I thought they would. Quickly, my mind began to race with questions. How could this be? I thought Pastor was my “covering”? What about all the memories, all the years, the friendships, the teaching, the dedication, the dreams we held collectively and stood on through the years? You can’t leave a church without “knowing” where you’re going next, right? Right?! At that point, I had already been given many confirmations that I needed to leave, but I asked the Lord to confirm His will by His written Word. So He said, “Acts 7:3”. I turned there and read, “Leave your people and your country, and come to the land that I WILL show you.” Wow, there it was. I knew what this meant and where this was going. What was once the “unthinkable” became true in my life. All the thoughts that maybe “it's just me, something must be wrong with me” came to a peaceful end. I had finally come to the realization that my decision to leave Cornerstone Church after 10 yrs. was the right one. Now it was time for me to OBEY what God had been showing me for months. I had to make a choice that day… "Do I follow the voice of the Holy Spirit or the voice of man?” Not to mention the fear that my friends in the church would think I was crazy or “off”-as they would put it. Yes, leaving would cost me a lot. But, God had spoken and it was time to pick up my tent and continue on.

Did I know I was attending a spiritually-abusive church? Did I know what an authoritarian leader was? No, not when I first left. You see, I had basically “grown up” in this church. Of course, I had a solid foundation in church as a child, but this was MY first church as an adult. I was proud of myself for finding it on my own and becoming a dedicated member. And I loved my Pastor and the members very much. So, as much as it was exciting at first to be following God’s direction, it was extremely difficult because of my relationship ties. Little did I know the transition I would go through.

One step at a time the Holy Spirit taught me, healed me, and corrected any false perceptions of God and His Word that came over the platform. Many unhealthy things were shown to me, but I also found that there were many GOOD and true things taught to me during my season at Cornerstone as well. Not everything was bad, I just had to learn to separate the two. I began to see that I attended a church that BECAME spiritually abusive. I began to see that the leadership was set up like a hierarchy that taught members that the Pastor himself was their
spiritual covering and headship. We were identified as “Sons” and “Daughters” of the House instead of children of God. We were told that unless "church government" releases you, you are removing yourself from underneath “their covering” and bad things can happen to you. It was suggested from the pulpit that we were apart of a “new thing” a “special thing” that God was doing through their ministry. If you left, you would miss out on “the move of God in the earth today”. Of course, there was no “accountability” to the members in the church; especially financial accountability. Whenever the media covered the Pastor's arrests or criminal record we were always told “it was an attack of the enemy”. It always kept us from objectively thinking for ourselves, because we chalked it up to some “spiritual attack”. Members were referred to as merely “stupid sheep” whenever they asked or inquired about things that didn’t biblically line up.

So, I guess you could say that after being delivered from all this usurping of authority... I soon began to see the truth behind all those hyped-up “catch phrases" primarily derived from the Old Testament. I did realize part of this was MY fault as well. I was the one who took “their word” for it. As Christians, we are to “submit ourselves one to another”. I have a responsibility to study the scriptures for myself and “test the spirits”. Instead, I chose at times to believe what my heart wanted to believe. The Holy Spirit brought things to my attention over the later years I attended, but I was always quick to discount them. I should have asked myself, "Why are my eyes were being opened to these things?"

After leaving, it probably took me about 6 months to come to the realization that what was promised would never come to pass for me. This is not what I signed up for at the start. But what really happened? How did I get where I was? In order to answer these questions I had to go back to the beginning and take a look at myself. I had to ask some tough questions. What was it about Cornerstone Church that attracted me in the first place? What was it that kept me at a church that became increasingly ran by such controlling and manipulative leadership? Why did I always excuse them when they covered up their unfortunate choices instead of taking ownership of them? Why did I accept so quickly that the pastor would never personally nurture me or fellowship with me? And why did I relegate the responsibility of my calling to their ministry for over a decade, never fully knowing if they might ever release me to fulfill it?

Like many others I came there with my life in crisis. At that time, I was young and somewhat naive.  I was looking for purpose and direction, to put my life back on track by following the Lord.  Cornerstone made me feel I could be apart of something bigger than myself; this is what enticed me and kept me there for many years. At that time, my life was at an all time low and I knew I needed to get back into church. So after visiting for a short period, I decided to make the move and get “plugged in”. I was ready for a new start in life and it was exciting!! Through those early years, God healed me, built me, and equipped me. God is good!! As you can see my Cornerstone season meant EVERYTHING to me. It was there that I made connections and built relationships, especially since I didn't have any immediate family in the area. The faith expressed at my church became my life and gave me purpose. All of these things made it hard for me to leave. After soberly identifying what attracted me to and kept me at Cornerstone, I began to realize that I had falsely attributed in some ways my success to "them" instead of God.

Over the years, I began to attach my identity to my leadership instead to God. I had placed my "awesome church" and my "cool pastor" on a pedestal; over time they replaced the position that belonged to my Lord. I began to think that it was my "spiritual connection” to Cornerstone that opened the heavens over my life. Not realizing that it was my faith and relationship with the Lord (by His grace) that blessed me. Sure, I would say God did it, but deep down I believed that there was some "special" blessing through the pastor and if I left the church that "blessing" would leave my life too.  Of course these ideologies were taught by the leadership, who demanded total submission without questioning their teachings.  FEAR was a common factor that kept most people there. They lure you in and "deposit" into your life, then tell you if you leave, you're "breaking covenant" and your life will fall apart. This type of philosophy is more suited to a mafia family or organization. If you do leave, you are considered “off” and no one is to fellowship with you anymore. And they brush it off by saying things like, “It’s not our fault that people think the way they do”. But of course that’s not the message conveyed from the platform. They never correct their member's improper idolization of them. They know they are being idolized and they allow it. In the end, their church services and organization amount to mass psychology fueled by insecurity and an inordinate need for control. Over the years they have become narcissistic, prideful and arrogant saying things like, "God called me, told me, showed me, and if you disagree with me then you're attacking the anointing on my life!" and "You are either for ME or against ME!"

It’s regretful for me to think of how I was taught a lot of “principles” that brought success, but I was never taught a PROPER FEAR of the Lord. The focus was to give to others who were already "blessed" instead of giving to my brothers and sisters in need. That isn't even biblical. When I began to truly identify what attracted me and "kept" me there..my eyes became open and healing began. I believe they saw us for what they could “get”, instead of what they could “give”. I guess that's the part that seems so surreal and that realization stage is quite painful. You realize that all the love you had for them, was never equally reciprocated back. Your value was determined by the level of submission you gave their agenda. You were only “respected” as much as the offerings you gave, the ministries you labored in, and as the agreement you helped to continue keeping such a ministry alive. That's the tough part; I gave them the power to keep their dysfunction running every time I "sowed a seed" or attended a meeting. Of course it may have not been like that in the very beginning..but over time it had become that way. What probably started out in good intentions, became a business showcased by a gifted speaker.

So here I am years later, free from this madness. God is faithful to finish what He starts. I have so much more to share concerning my dealings with this ministry and its leaders. What could have shipwrecked my faith, was actually just a pit stop on my journey in life. The most important lesson learned in all of this, was for me to know and trust the voice of the Holy Spirit and to never allow “man” to stand in the way of my relationship with Christ and His plan for my life! “

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord.”

Being a Christian doesn’t always require you to “DO” all the time, sometimes you just need to “BE”. I have now discovered so much more life and liberty in my relationship with the Lord. His grace is more powerful than anything in the world today!