Walking Away from a Spiritually Abusive Church

After finally making the decision TO LEAVE, I can clearly remember quickly facing the twin emotional and mental road blocks of -"When to leave?" and "How to leave?"  I recall speaking with a friend and expecting some really "deep" wisdom and revelation on the matter.  He simply said, "You want to know the right way to leave?  PUT ONE FOOT INFRONT OF THE OTHER and WALK OUT the door."  At the time, I thought that was the most insensitive thing I had ever heard..of course now after several years, I look back and realize that WAS the sober reality and the most liberating advice to give on the situation.

The most difficult phase of a spiritually abusive experience is usually the exit process.  The question then becomes: Should I leave my church? That question can only be answered by you.  I hope that you find the resources on this website helpful in your journey through the process of recovery from spiritual abuse.

HOW TO LEAVE A PARTICULAR FELLOWSHIP OF BELIEVERS:

The TRUTH of the matter is...There is NO "right way" to leave a church.  BUT there is a way (by departing from your relationship with Christ) you can leave THE Church.  Simply because you choose to depart from a specific church group, does not mean you are no longer part of the Body of Christ -which is THE CHURCH.  New Testament scripture clearly outlines for us on how we are to properly maintain relationships within the entire Body of Christ..not merely to a select body or building.  That is why you will not find any “protocol anointing” taught in the NT.  Church structure is NOT set up by man’s standards of “protocol”…this would be an unstable foundation. (Actually most of our familiar “church protocols” are rooted in culture, “folk theology”, and other various denominational traditions…)

The New Testament is also loaded with examples of Christians who came and went at their pleasure, on their own initiative and choosing. There is no evidence of "permission" necessary from any other person. For example, Aquila moved from Rome to Corinth (Acts 18:1-2), then went to Ephesus with

Paul (Acts 18:18). Later he is found in Rome again (Romans 16:3) and Ephesus (1 Corinthians 16:19, 2 Timothy 4:19).  Apollos was asked to go to Corinth from Ephesus, and clearly was free to decide if and when he would make such a move (1 Corinthians 16:12). Even Paul wanted to visit Rome simply because he ran out of places to preach in his immediate area (Romans 15:23). 

As far as judging matters within the church, Paul taught extensively on this subject.  A few years after leaving, Paul the apostle heard some disturbing reports about the Corinthian church. They were full of pride and were excusing sexual immorality (instead of taking ownership of it). Spiritual gifts were also being used improperly, and there were rampant misunderstandings of key Christian doctrines. Paul wrote his first letter to the Corinthians in an attempt to restore the Corinthian church to its foundation—Jesus Christ.  In I Cor. 5: 9-13  Paul says, “I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters.  In that case you would have to leave this world.  But now I am writing to you that you must NOT associate with any who claim to be fellow believers BUT are: 

1) Sexually immoral 

2) Greedy 

3) Idolaters 

4) Slanderers 

5) Drunkards 

6) Swindlers

With such persons do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church?  Are you not to judge those inside?”  This clearly indicates that we are to judge and establish our relationship with other believers (which includes leaders) based on THEIR FRUIT, not their gift.  So this is NOT a matter of being PERFECT (as some would say).  We know this because in Gal. 6…we are instructed to REINSTATE a brethren overtaken in a fault, but only AFTER he has responded to discipline and repented of sin. Then he is brought back into the fellowship and restored –NOT AFTER he says it’s “an attack”.   Remember, blessed are those who are persecuted for RIGHTEOUSNESS, not UNRIGHTEOUS ACTS.  Bottom line, read the scriptures for yourselves and use the Word for the basis of sound doctrine.…

Even in the early church there were irreconcilable differences  
At times they had some "sharp disagreements" of their own. In the conflict between Paul and Barnabas in Acts 15, both brothers had legitimate positions on an issue and yet clearly the positions were mutually exclusive. It was not possible to remain "together" and show respect for each legitimate position. In this case, a parting was necessary and served to benefit all involved. Two mission teams went out instead of one; in the end more people were impacted as a result.

BEING INDIVIDUALLY LED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT (AS HE WILLS):

Although God uses people at times to confirm His will, he primarily speaks to us individually and directly as to what His will is.  The bottom line:  “There is but ONE Mediator between man and God –Jesus Christ.”  There is no longer a High Priest or Prophet solely required to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit –that is Old Testament teaching.  “Those that are LED by the Spirit of God, THEY are the sons of God.”  In a spiritually abusive church, you will often hear that you are called to a Pastor and He will properly “release you” when and if it is God’s will.  Well my question is:  “What previous Pastor “released you” to him and told you to join his church?”  See, the SAP (Spiritually-Abusive-Pastor) must maintain control over the members because he has systematically taught them to look to him for the final say-so on God’s will, instead of knowing the voice of the Holy Spirit for yourself!  “Also of your own selves shall men arise, speaking perverse things, to draw disciples after THEM” –not our Lord.   

It is vital to your walk with the Lord to be able to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit and follow Him for yourself.  I’m reminded of the “Young Prophet” and “Old Prophet” of I Kings 13.  The young prophet is not named; he is sometimes referred to as the young prophet in contrast to the "old prophet" in Bethel.  This young prophet came out of Judah "by the word of the Lord".  He cried out against the King and the corruption in the worship of God.  Unlike Balaam, he refused to be paid off.  The prophet had been given instructions by God -"Eat no bread, nor drink water, nor turn again by the same way that thou camest," was the instruction.  The old prophet arranged for the young prophet to come to his house and eat bread and drink water.  The young prophet faithfully refused. The old prophet persuaded to reason with him, "I am a prophet also...and an angel spake unto me by the word of the Lord, saying bring him back...that he may eat bread and drink water." Notice the end of the verse 18: "But he lied to him".  The young prophet believed the prophet and disobeyed God. As a result, this young prophet was killed. It was said of him, "It is the man of God, who was disobedient unto the word of the Lord".  Notice it didn’t say it was the older prophet who was disobedient, but the one whom the instruction came to.  Always take God's word over what man says.

Furthermore:

(I Cor. 2)  However, as it is written: "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" BUT God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.  The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.  This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words. The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him, and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. The spiritual man makes judgments about all things...For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him? But we have the mind of Christ."

WHEN TO LEAVE:

I would say that if God has shown you that you ARE to leave, but hasn’t given you a “specific date”…then He probably means NOW.  There is never going to be a “good” time to pick up your roots and relocate.  We may have children, ministry involvement, projects, upcoming events, etc.  Whether you talk to someone in a leadership position or not, may not make the "announcement" any easier.  But, once you KNOW what to do…TRUST God for the strength and exercise your FAITH.  You don't need to worry about the opinions of others when you have a Word from God.  So don’t get caught up in the rut of “figuring it all out” before you leave.  I promise you…this is usually a mistake and is likely to never happen.  It’s AS YOU MOVE FORWARD, things always become clearer.  SAP’s like tell you that you cannot leave your church until you have another one.  I recall what God told Abram, “Leave your people and your country and come to the land that I WILL show you.”  Most often when people are deeply rooted in a Spiritually Abusive Church, there is a transition period that takes place after they leave…where a lot of much needed healing and teaching occur.  (This is what I call "changing your filter".)  One of my most valuable lessons in this time is that God doesn't always require me to "DO", sometimes I just need to "BE."  Friends, He is faithful, but we must come to a place of maturity where we study His word, know His will, and follow the voice of the Great Shepherd and Overseer of our Soul –Jesus Christ.

"I am confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philippians 1:6