Finding the Heart... in Letting Go

"A Testimony of Faith" 
Article Submitted by Angela

I looked outside at the drizzling rain and it was as dreary as I felt. I never thought this would happen. I was confused; I was hurt, and most of all I was in shock. The day before, my husband and I had made a decision, not one that was based on a feeling or a hunch; we made a decision based only on our obedience to God. We were not offended or angry. I can honestly say, that at the time, everything on the inside of me was screaming, “No!!!” However, I knew that I had pledged my heart and my life to Christ; therefore, whatever was required of me -I was willing to do. Now, I am not going to sit here and tell you that we left Cornerstone Church and "just kept marching", because that would be a lie. It took many months to finally detox and heal from all of the unscriptural teaching, heavy shepherding and unhealthy programming. After four years, I feel healthier and happier than ever before.

You see for me, the decision to leave was simply made, but it wasn’t necessarily easy….it had a very heavy price. I had labored in ministry at Cornerstone Church for almost ten years. I was fully committed in six ministries throughout the years, some of them I was serving in simultaneously. I also worked full time for the Cherry St. Mission for two years, and volunteered there for several more.  Over those 10 years, I had countless opportunities to preach and teach God's word, for CC in the prison, drug and alcohol rehabilitation centers, at nursing homes and other churches.  Most of the people that I ministered to were of the Alcoholic/Homeless population --which became increasingly difficult to work with that particular population of people, considering the nature of scrutiny the whole church had been under for many years at that point. I can honestly say that I suffered tremendously at times because of the church I attended.  In spite of all that however, I was committed to following the plan that God had laid out for me, so I continued to keep my eyes forward….patiently allowing God to mold me into the person He had called me to be.  I knew that I had been called by God and that He had given me the heart of a Shepherd and that one day, I would have my own sheep to gently lead and guide.

With all that being said, you can imagine how I felt the moment our eyes were opened and we knew that God was leading us to leave -the very place we had devoted our hearts toward ministry for many years.  That day, I think I experienced what Abraham must have felt like when God told him to sacrifice his son, Isaac. I felt like my heart was torn apart. With everything in me, I lived and breathed ministry. Some people have friends that they hang out with, they have hobbies to occupy their time, and they spend their time with their families. These were all pleasures that I had almost totally denied myself of for ten years. In retrospect, I realize how unhealthy that was, but we were taught to “sow” into something bigger than yourself. Do this for God, and He will do that for you.  I was reminded of the countless opportunities that I had missed with other believers, times that I could have connected on an emotional level and been nourished by relationships. However, at that time, the only place my eyes were focused was on the “vision of the house.”

As I surrendered my will to God that day, and placed "my Isaac on the altar"…..knowing that in my case, I knew there would be no ram in the thicket. Here I stood with my raised dagger waiting to plunge it into the heart of my promise, the heart that beat so closely to mine, that it felt connected. To "sacrifice Isaac" meant putting to death the aspirations that God had given me the very first day I came to know Him. I had nourished this dream, I had cultivated it, and I had protected it. I held life or death in my hands at that moment in time. I went that day to the altar, which is a place of exchange. I gave Him everything, expecting nothing……that was my act of worship, to let my dream die, knowing that if God gave it to me, surely He could resurrect it if and when he saw fit. Scripture tells us that we must die to ourselves in order to fully follow Him. If He didn’t resurrect this promise, then it was never mine to begin with.

So, with a heavy heart... I walked away. I chose to follow God instead of my dream, my promise. I began to walk towards Christ and allow my life to be Christ centered and not gift or calling driven. In the last four years, I have grown by leaps and bounds as a leader and as a Christian. I have become more assured every day, that by sacrificing something so important, I let go and really gave God control.

Oddly enough though, I haven’t had to scratch and claw my way up the food chain so to speak. Opportunities to minister have come out of the woodwork. Any church that I attended, my leadership and ministry skills and experience were acknowledged immediately. I realized that I did not need someone to “release” me into ministry. I could assert myself to others, and they would not assume that I was “promoting” myself. Now, I am now helping to pastor a small church, and I love it. Every moment of hurt and confusion were worth the freedom I have! My RELATIONSHIP with my Father is not based on where I am "going", or what "doors" He is opening. It is based completely on my love for Him, the keeper of my soul. 

I look back at that time and remember all the pain and anxiety I felt. However, the priceless lesson I learned and taught my children was that I am the leader of my home. I set the tone and the atmosphere. I chose to stand in my place, championing the high standard of holiness. How could I expect my kids to follow Godly leadership if I was not following Godly leadership? I taught them that everybody should be accountable, and yes, our leadership should also be accountable to us. I was surprised beyond belief how my children’s personal faith flourished in another children’s ministry. I believe they did well with the transition because we chose to explain the truth of why we were leaving. I am also very thankful for the simplicity of the curriculum at Cedar Creek’s children’s program. It was just what my kids needed! Since that time, my son who was 8 year old at the time, accepted Christ and asked to be baptized. I have never been prouder.

It is my sincere desire that anyone who reads this will know that the road to recovery is a lot scarier than what it really is. It is painful at times, but true freedom always has a price. I paid that price, and because of that, I am sitting right in the palm of His will. God’s word tells us countless times, “be not afraid” and “fear not, for I am with you.” I hope and pray that your faith would grow some feet and take you on your own journey. At the end of the day, it’s not about being committed to following a pastor/bishop or a “house.” It’s about following Christ. He that the son sets free is free indeed!!"