"Coming out of Egypt" -A Testimony of Transition

Article submitted by blog visitor: Sonlight29

Some people have asked to hear "real-life experiences" from those who've left Cornerstone.  Here's mine.  I hope it helps those who've left know that they are not "losing it" when they go through the peaks & valleys.  And I hope it gives courage to those who feel God's tug on their hearts and know it's time to leave, but are afraid & questioning.  It was definitely one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, and I would really rather not live the last few years over again, but I am thankful for what I have learned through them and for the person that this process has helped me become.

As background, so the readers of this realize I am not a "fly-by-night" type of person:  I was raised in church.  Have a great, Godly family.   I've been saved for almost 40 years now.  I've been in active ministry for almost 30 of those years.  My parents were active in ministry & it was not uncommon for us to spend lots of personal time with the Pastor of our church and his family.  I know how a Godly, caring shepherd should act because I saw them first-hand, when they were not on the platform.  I think my solid, Christian background made it possible to excuse away what I now see as the quiet nudgings of the Holy Spirit when red flags would come up.  I could easily separate "the office of the Pastor" from "the man" because my parents had taught me to respect men of God.  However, the men of God that I grew up around were the same "in the office" and as "the man", so I did not have to deal with the discrepancies in their lives.  I am not at all saying that these men were perfect!  But there is a difference between being human and being immoral.

I went to Cornerstone for almost 14 years.  I served actively in a very high position for most of those years.  I saw a lot of "inside" stuff, so to speak.  But then again, most of the 

things that have come to light about behaviors there, I did not know until after I left.  I'm not sure if "they" were good at hiding it, or if my ingrained sense of trust for church leadership blinded me to it.  Once I found out what was going on behind the scenes, many things that just didn't make sense throughout my time there, made perfect sense.  I could never connect the dots until I was out of that environment.  Like the song says, "I can see clearly now".  The last year or so, I have been studying the Israelites leaving Egypt and it parallels the process of leaving an abusive church almost perfectly.  I will be referring to that ofen in my story.

I and my family are very conservative.  We were often ridiculed for that during our years at the church.  However, we know there are some things that are not "salvation issues" and are based on personal conviction.  (Please read Titus 1:6-9 for the qualifications of leadership in the church...they are different than what is required for someone who is not active in ministry)  After the first arrest, we stayed, believing that our Pastor would be truthful with us.  After the 2nd arrest, we wanted to leave, but stayed, trying to stand on the fact that not everyone has the same convictions we do.  We were disappointed in him to say the least, but we believed he would change & we extended grace.  Then came the 3rd arrest....

My heart was broken.  I sat in my car crying (and my house crying, and private areas in the church building crying...) & calling out to God, the full reality of the fact that my Pastor cared more about himself than he ever would care about me or my family was sinking in.  There were so many things behind the scenes....little things (& a few big things), that I just dismissed saying "Our personalities clash" or "He's not somebody I would choose for a friend, but I can still respect him as a man of God"...  I could not ignore it anymore.  He did not love me.  He did not love my family.  I was devastated.  My family & I prayed about what to do.  Leaving, for us, was a huge decision....one not to be taken lightly.  We did not want to make an emotional decision.  We took time.  We fasted & prayed.  And God clearly spoke.  Those red flags & the still, small Voice were obvious now.  We knew what we had to do. 

Just like Pharaoh with the Israelites - he made it seem like they were free to leave, but when they actually left, he chased them down to kill them.  Many people wonder why the Maus' or Martinez' don't speak out about what they've gone through.  I know them personally & would not wish what has happened to them in their leaving on anyone.  I think it stands as a testament to their true character, that when they could have trashed the names of MP & RP and exposed them for who they truly are, even as those men were slandering them, instead they followed Exodus 14:14 "The Lord shall fight for you, and you shall hold your peace".

When I left, I expected that all would be hunky-dory & I could now get on with my life.  Even the bad things they said about me and my family, & did to us, rolled off my back (most of it).  I thought, "This is great.  Time to get on with living for God".  Then I entered the wilderness...  Like I said, I have been a Christian a long time, raised in charismatic churches, so I never thought the foundations of my very faith would be shaken.  I did not realize how subtly I had become like the Israelites.  Over my years at Cornerstone, I had come to depend on the Pastor and not God, just as they had come to depend on Pharaoh.  God needed to get me back to depending on Him.  It was not pretty...

I still went to a church.  I was still in ministry.  I still read my Bible & prayed.  I did all the things I knew I was "supposed" to do, but in my heart, I felt like I was dying.  I had to deal with the fact that I was betrayed by someone that I should have been able to trust.  I had to deal with the fact that I lost almost every single friend I had in one fell swoop.  I had to re-learn proper doctrine.  So many things that I remembered yelling "Amen" to, were not scriptural...and I had to deal with the fact that I had allowed myself to get so far away from reading & studying the Bible on my own that I was easily persuaded to believe the falsities.  I felt like I was being stripped down to the bare wood...I was raw...I questioned whether God even truly loved me.  I knew in my head that He did, but I could no longer feel it or see it.  How did I get to this place, this wilderness???  My belief system is strong.  I've been a Christian almost my whole life.  My testimony is not how God saved me out of awful circumstances, but instead how He kept me.  How did "I" get to this place of questioning every thing that I believed?  ....   It was God.  He took me there, just as He took the Israelites through the wilderness.

He had to strip away the layers of wrong, so that He could start building from the sure Foundation that was deep inside.  He had to get me to the place where I depended on Him and Him alone.  It is a major paradigm shift, but it is necessary in everyone who comes out of an abusive church.  It is ugly...and it hurts...and you may feel like your whole world is falling apart...BUT you will come out on the other side, if you just hold onto Him through it all.  There are varying degrees to this pruning process, depending on how involved you were at the church, & how much false doctrine from them you carried in your heart, but every single person will go through some type of wilderness experience at some point.  For me, it lasted almost 6 months...for others it may be weeks or a year.

Egypt was described in 2 Kings 18:21 as a splintered reed that "pierces a man's hand and wounds him if he leans on it".  There is no getting around it.  Anyone who has ever been in an abusive church will be wounded.  It is not a sign of weakness.  It is the nature of the beast.  You "should" be able to lean on your local church body.  You "should" be able to trust the leadership there not to hurt you.  But an abusive church is like Egypt....when you lean on it, as you "should" be able to do, it pierces you...when you trust the leadership, like you "should" be able to do, they wound you.  God will repair you, He will help you, He will bring you lovingly back to Himself.  But there is a healing process to go through, and sometimes that process feels like it is tearing you apart instead of healing.  It's like a broken bone that must be set before it can heal properly.  The setting process is painful, but it is necessary so that true healing can take place.

There may even come a time when you think "I feel so horrible right now.  It wasn't so bad there; maybe I'll go back".  Resist that temptation!  When looking at the story of the Israelites in Ex.14:11-12, even they wanted to go back to Egypt rather than go through the process of the wilderness.  We, as outsiders, can look at that & say "You all are crazy!  Why would you ever go back there???".  But when you're living out the wilderness experience, it is natural (& normal) to want to go back to what is comfortable & familiar, even when you know it was bad for you.  I promise you, the rewards of persevering through this process are so worth it!

I have come out on the other side of the wilderness now.  I may look the same on the outside, but on the inside I am different.  I can feel a strength that I thought I had before, but it was based on wrong things, now it is based on the truth of God's Word and who He is to me personally, not who He is to the man on the platform.  I have a renewed sense of God's love for me.  And most importantly, I have true compassion for the leadership at Cornerstone.  My heart breaks for them, even after all they have done against me & my family.  Do I think that they will repent and turn around?  Not really...  I think they have had many, many opportunities to repent through the years and they choose not to.  God will not force anyone to do the right thing.    Do I regret my many years of service there?  No.  I learned a lot...mostly about what "not" to do. :-)   But I also met so many wonderful people in the congregation.  They are the ones I miss.   I also believe God will restore those relationships at some point.  I am excited about the future. To the outside observer, it may look like everything fell apart in my life, but circumstances change, it's who I am on the inside that is important.  When I get my spiritual life together, my natural life will follow suit.

So, I encourage you to listen to that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit.  Whether He is calling you out of Egypt or He is leading you through the wilderness process or He is celebrating your "graduation" into the Promised Land with you....You will not regret it!